Part
3 - unconditional love (covenant commitment)
INTRO
Two weeks ago we began a series called radical
relationships, seeking to cultivate relationships that are radically different
from the accepted form in our culture.
When one examines our culture it is evident that typical relationships
suffer and stagnate and deteriorate. As
relational beings created for relationships (with God and humans), here at NCF
we want the best in those relationships.
4
PRINCIPLES
This morning I’d like to set before you four principles
that we will develop over the next few weeks, which are essential in taking our
relationships from hurting to healthy, from stagnant and dying to dynamic and
maturing.
Those four elements or principles are unconditional
love, grace, empowerment, and intimacy.
To the degree that these elements are present our relationships will be
dynamic and maturing. To the degree that
these elements are missing, our relationships will be stagnant and dying.
HEALTHY
CYCLE
The beginning point for healthy relationships is
unconditional love. This unconditional
love provides the kind of security in relationships for grace to develop; in an
atmosphere of grace, people have the freedom to empower one another. Empowerment leads to the possibility of
intimacy. Intimacy leads to a deeper
commitment and reinforces unconditional love.
So these four elements, in a sense work in a sort of cycle. This healthy cycle leads to healthy families
and dynamic, mature relationships.
On the other
hand, when family members withhold one or more of these elements from one
another, growth in relationships is blocked or retarded, beginning an unhealthy
cycle, moving families into a state of stagnation or deterioration. Rather than unconditional love, in a hurting
relationship, love becomes conditional, law replaces grace, possessive power
replaces empowerment and distance replaces intimacy which reinforces conditional
love. Unhealthy cycle.
My goal is to expound upon each of these principles,
showing the benefit of each one, convincing you of the importance of each one,
and motivating us to embrace and practice them for the sake of moving our
families and relationships from stagnant and dying, to dynamic and maturing.
This morning we will focus in on our first principle
which is unconditional love.
Conditional love says I will love you IF.
I will continue to love you IF. I
will love you more IF.
UNconditional love says I love you period.
No IF, no AND, no BUT.
Conditional love says I will love you as long as you’re loving me.
UNconditional love says I will love you even when you’re not loving
me. I will always love you no matter
what.
Conditional love says I will meet your needs as long as you are meeting
mine.
UNconditional love says I will meet your needs whether you are meeting
mine or not.
IT
ALL BEGINS IN THE HOME
Cultivating radical relationships through unconditional
love begins in the home. What happens behind
closed doors in the home instills ways of thinking and living. People then go out into the world and practice
those thoughts and actions in their relationships.
So this morning, we will begin speaking in terms of the
home, the family, and the family begins with marriage, the joining together of
two lives as one flesh in covenant commitment.
When two people get married, they take wedding vows in which they promise to love and to cherish one another in sickness and in health,
in prosperity and in adversity, promising to be to one another in all things a
true and faithful spouse, forsaking all others, as long as they both shall live. This
is a committed covenant based on unconditional love.
Our society seems to join people in an unholy matrimony
in which the vows are I promise to love you and cherish you only in health and
prosperity. I will be yours and
faithfully yours alone as long as my needs are being met and everything is
going according to my desires. But we
will part when it becomes too difficult to handle sickness or adversity or if my
needs aren’t being met. Because I
deserve more. I want better. The grass is greener over there. Our society has turned the unconditional
terms of the marriage covenant into a conditional contract, a sick and twisted
perversion of marriage rooted in immaturity and selfishness.
Unconditional love begins in the home with the marriage
covenant and we should develop an atmosphere in which our spouse knows that we
are committed to covenant faithfulness founded in unconditional love, just
like we promised when we said I DO. Bre knows I’ll be there forever. She knows that if she wants to get rid of me
she’s gonna have to kill me. Till death
do us part.
We should also communicate the same to our
children. While we make vows to our
spouse and commit our lives to them, we don’t have a ceremony in which we make
such vows to our children, but they exist by implication. There is an unspoken vow of covenant
commitment to our children based on unconditional love. We should strive to develop homes in which
our children know daddy is sticking around. Mommy
and daddy are committed to one another and to us. I don’t think the thought has ever crossed my
children’s mind that I might leave them.
I think my kids know that I’ll be there forever.
A healthy home is the fertile soil out of which grows
people whose lives produce the fruit of radical relationships.
Let me illustrate this with some statistics from “What
Really Matters at Home” by John & Susan Yates.
Jonathan Edwards lived in NY over 200 years ago, was a pastor, known to
have at least 929 descendants. Of them
430 were ministers, 86 became university professors, 13 became university
presidents, 75 wrote good books, 5 were elected to US Congress, two to the
senate and one was vice president of US.
As far as we know, his descendants did not cost the state of NY one cent
but contributed to NY and nation.
Max Jukes was a contemporary of J Edwards.
Jukes spent good deal of his life in NY prisons, not known to be a
Christian, didn’t expose children to church even when they asked to go. He is known to have had at least 1026
descendants. 300 were sent to prison for
average of 13 years, 190 were public prostitutes, 680 were admitted alcoholics,
and his family cost the state of NY hundreds of thousands of dollars and does
not appear to have made much contribution to society.
Wow. In case
you’re tempted to overlook the impact of Jonathan Edwards other half:
“Their [Jonathan and Sarah
Edwards] marriage, which lasted over thirty years, was a happy one. Much of
that was owing to Sarah, who managed the home–and her scholarly
husband–efficiently. Sarah worked hard to rear godly children, dealing
immediately with sin when it showed itself. She bore eleven, ten of whom lived
to adulthood . . . The many people who visited the home were impressed by the
peace which flourished in the home. There was none of the quarreling or coldness
so common in other homes. Husband and wife supported and admired each other.
They prayed daily together. Evangelist George Whitefield, after spending a few
days in the calm, happy Edwards home, was so impressed that he determined to
get married himself. “A sweeter couple I have not yet seen,” he enthused.”
(source: the Christian history
institute)
A healthy home is the fertile soil out of which grows
people whose lives produce the fruit of radical relationships.
CAUGHT
NOT TAUGHT
So much of what our children learn and embrace comes
from what we model in the home. We are
teaching them every moment of every day.
Yes, what we tell them matters, I don’t mean to minimize teaching with
words, but I do mean to emphasize the importance of how we live. You probably put the toilet paper on the roll
a certain way. I’d be willing to bet
that you tend to put it on the way your mom and dad put in on in the house in
which you were raised. I’d also be
willing to bet that your parents never sat you down and had a talk with you
about the right way to do it. You
learned how to do it by observing what they DID Not what they SAID. It has been said that what is instilled in
our kids is caught not taught. It is
assimilated through what they see us doing more than it comes from us telling
them what to do. If I tell my kids that
exercise is important but never exercise, chances are they will walk away
thinking that exercise is not important because daddy doesn’t do it.
MODELING
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IN THE HOME
It’s not enough to simply say I love you unconditionally
(vows). We must actually LOVE
unconditionally. Not just for the sake
of instilling that principle in our children, but for the sake of radical
relationships. If unconditional love is
going to be a principle that is instilled in the next generation, it must be
modeled in the home, our families must observe and experience unconditional
love.
The way we love our families in the home will instill
in them an understanding of the nature of love and the way it should be
expressed. If our love is conditional,
our children will grow up thinking that love should be conditional and they
will experience the same mediocrity in relationships that the statistics
reflect. They won’t experience radical
relationships. They will turn the
essential principle of unconditional love into a contractual agreement in which
conditions abound. Their love will be
conditional upon certain criteria and their relationships will be stagnant and
dying (they will be hurting and unhealthy).
As we model unconditional love, our children will catch
that (what is instilled in them is caught not taught), they will see that and
they will embrace and assimilate that way of loving others. They will love others unconditionally,
touching the lives of others in a profound way.
UNCONDITIONAL
LOVE REQUIRES MATURITY
At the root of conditional love is immaturity. It says, “I will only love you if.” It reminds me of that thing our so-called
friends used to say to us when we were children. Will you give me your other reeces cup? I’ll be your best friend. Did anyone ever say that to you? Did that work on you? I gotta be honest. I think it worked on me. I was like, best friend status? Done.
Now when was the last time a coworker or an acquaintance
said that to you? Last week someone at
the office surely said that. Hey, do my
report for me. I’ll be your best
friend! We don’t say that
anymore. It’s pretty immature. Once I turned 30 I was done with that, so
childish! Really, think about it. I’ll be your best friend. Oh, awesome.
That’s what I was looking for a best friend whose friendship status is
conditional. I want a merit-based
friendship.
This is immature.
But think about it. When our love
is conditional, are we not essentially doing the same thing? We are far too mature to say, “I’ll be your
best friend IF” but if we aren’t careful, we can slip into communicating
to people, “I’ll love you IF… I’ll continue to love you IF… I’ll love you more IF…”
This is childish & immature. Somehow kids know early on that lording the
status of love or a friendship over people can be a powerful means of attaining
personal goals or selfish ambition.
Unconditional love on the other hand requires
maturity. In our culture, young women
want love. They are desperately seeking
it and they will take drastic measures in attempts to attain it. Unfortunately so often, the relationships
they end up in are characterized by conditional love rather than unconditional
love. Whether it is the reality or not,
many women feel like if I just have
sex with him he will love me.
That’s conditional. What happens
after she has sex with him? Is that act
going to magically alter his orientation.
Is he going to say, Ya know, now I
know that you love me, I am going to commit the rest of my life to you in
covenant faithfulness with unconditional love. Not likely.
With such a strong foundation in conditional love, it doesn’t seem like
the likely breeding grounds for a relationship that is characterized by unconditional
love. She is perpetuating the unhealthy cycle.
This kind of conditional love thinking abounds and it
doesn’t have to pertain to sex.
·
Maybe he’ll love me more if I lose weight.
·
Maybe he will love more me if I wear certain clothes
·
talk a certain way
·
stop hanging out with certain friends
Fill in the blank.
Either way, a sentence that begins with “maybe he will love me IF…” is
almost a sure sign it won’t be a healthy relationship because the love is
conditional, it is based on an IF.
Again, unconditional love requires maturity. See how immature it sounds when we put the “IF”
in there.
·
I’ll love more you IF you have sex with me.
·
I’ll love you IF you cut your hair a certain way.
·
I’ll love if IF you give me my way.
That is so childish.
Will you give me your reeces cup? I’ll be your best friend. I’ll be your friend IF. My relationship with you, my love for you is
contingent upon IF you do what I want.
Childishness. Let’s grow up and
put childish ways behind us and in maturity and in the wisdom and power of
Christ, let’s love no matter what. Let’s
love UN conditionally.
Unconditional love requires maturity. Additionally
UNCONDITIONAL
LOVE BREEDS SECURITY
The person in relationship characterized by conditional
love is on shaky foundation, shifting sand.
They don’t know if the relationship will be there tomorrow. There is no certainty. There is no security. Conditional love breeds insecurity. But people like security. That’s why people install home security
systems. That’s why some people get dogs
and handguns. People like security. And that goes with relationships also. We value security. UNconditional love breeds security.
The child that grows up in a home with conditional love
walks around insecure with masks and shields and has a hard time with
commitment. The child that grows up in a
home of unconditional love walks around secure in his own skin, free to be
himself, with no masks, no guard. They
don’t fear the rejection that comes with conditional love. Let’s create that kind of security in our
relationships.
I tell my kids: “I love you no
matter what. I will always love
you. I even love you when you’re a bad
girl. When you’re a bad girl and when
you’re a good girl.” I don’t
know if they fully understand that today and if it has the kind of impact that
it would on a teenager. But I do know
this: I am planting seeds and I will continue to water them. I don’t plan on stopping that; I will keep
telling them that and continue to try to live as a dad who loves
unconditionally, creating children who are secure.
Radical relationships characterized by unconditional
love breed security.
Finally,
UNCONDITIONAL
LOVE DOES NOT MEAN NO DISCIPLINE AND NO CONSEQUENCES
The principle you reap what you sow still applies in RR. The laws of physics and logic still apply in
RR.
What happens when a daughter gets pregnant outside of
wedlock. There will be consequences, she
may or may not have the support of the child’s father. She will need to support this child. Figure out work, daycare, etc. It will be hard. There will be consequences. But one of those consequences must not be
that daddy no longer love her because daddy’s love must be unconditional. There will be consequences, but one of them
will not be that she is cut off because family doesn’t cut one another off,
family is covenantally committed, loves unconditionally, and will be there for one
another, regardless.
If my wife wants to go on vacation this summer, it will
cost X amount of dollars, which means that she can either choose to use that $X
to get nails and hair done, or put it towards the vacation but we cannot do
both. The laws of math still apply. She spent it on nails. Therefore, we can’t go on vacation. I wanted to go on vacation, so this affects
me adversely, but it doesn’t change my love for her. I’m not going to treat her differently,
withhold my love from her, stonewall her and forsake the meeting of her needs because
of it. I love her UNconditionally. There are consequences for choices, but the
love is Unconditional.
Children break the rules and they get disciplined,
punished. We must administer
discipline. It is actually a sign of
love. To not discipline your child is to
not love them. Parents must be careful
to administer discipline and punishment in a way that says I love you. We don’t want to create a home in which love feels
performance based. The last thing we
want to communicate is:
peak performance = praise = love
Failure or imperfection = condemnation = no love.
But that doesn’t mean we don’t discipline. We discipline, but the love is unconditional.
The key is to discipline in love. Practical ways:
·
control your voice
·
try to be calm
·
control your volume.
Avoid
·
Yelling
·
Grabbing
·
Jerking
·
knee-jerk reaction spanking
which can all communicate the opposite of love and thus
can communicate that our love is conditional.
This can be a slippery slope because if we are always smiling when
disciplining our children they may not grasp the severity of their
actions. Daddy was smiling so this is really
okay. We may need a stern face
and tone in order to communicate the message that this is not okay.
However, we always have to keep at the forefront of our
minds that the purpose of discipline is love.
I love my children so I will let
them know that their actions are dangerous to themselves and others. I try to let spanking be a last resort. When I do it, I try to hug them immediately
and cuddle with them to let them know that this wasn’t
because I love them less but because I love them more. My love for them is not based on their being
good; it’s unconditional. There is
discipline and consequences for actions, but this must not communicate that
they are loved any less.
This concept is true with spouses as well. We don’t discipline and punish our spouses as
we do children, but we may have to have conversations about actions: it hurt me when you did such and such, we agreed on
spending our money this way, but you spent it that way. When we have those conversations, they must
be bathed in unconditional love, they must not communicate that our love is
conditional.
ARE
WE DOOMED?
I have impressed upon you the impact of the home. I shared with you statistics comparing
Edwards and Jukes. So what if you were
raised in an unhealthy home where love was conditional, grace withheld so that
law abounded, power was wielded, and distance was cultivated rather than
intimacy? Is it hopeless for you? Are your children doomed? Your parents divorced. Is your marriage doomed? No way.
You are aware. You are
smart. You recognize that what your
parents modeled for you was wrong and you know that two wrongs don’t make a
right. You experienced the pain of
conditional love and you don’t want your children to experience that. You want to spare your children the pain of their
parents’ divorce or love based on performance.
You can break the trend and start a new one. You can choose today to live out the biblical
model of unconditional love. You are a
child of God and you can opt to follow the model of your Heavenly Father who is
a covenant keeper, the expert in unconditional love.
You’re not doomed.
Your children aren’t doomed.
You’re blessed because you know what is right, you have a model in
Scripture for what is right, and you have the empowerment of the Holy Spirit to
carry out what is right, and you have the backing, support and accountability
of a church family who loves you and will help you to do what is right. We are here to support one another and to
help one another become unconditional lovers.
We are a bunch of NCFers striving to become unconditional lovers.
IN
CLOSING
Moving towards radical relationships begins in the
home, with the family. Family begins
with marriage. Marriage begins with
covenant commitment that must be rooted in unconditional love. This unconditional love provides the kind of
security in relationships for grace to develop; in an atmosphere of grace,
people have the freedom to empower one another.
Empowerment leads to the possibility of intimacy. Intimacy leads to a deeper commitment and
reinforces unconditional love. These
elements create a healthy cycle creating a healthy home.
For those of us who are married, we made vows to love
our spouses unconditionally in sickness and in
health, in prosperity and in adversity – to love no matter
what. If we didn’t mean that when we
said it, but rather meant I will love you
as long as you meet my needs, then let us repent. Let us now change our minds so that we mean
what we said and let us do it. Let us
live out covenant commitment rooted in unconditional love and let that extend
to our children.
If you are not married, I want you to know and
understand what you may one day be committing yourself to if you do choose to
wed. I want you to understand that it’s
not the unholy matrimony depicted by society based on the conditional IF you
meet my needs. Understand that marriage
and thus, the home, is to be based on covenant commitment rooted in
unconditional love.
Meanwhile, let us all, married or unmarried choose to
live lives of unconditional love toward one another as the family of God for
the glory of God.
www.ncfgeorgetown.com Church in Georgetown, Texas. Reformed church
Georgetown, Texas Preterist church Georgetown Texas. Pastor David Boone. Sermon
audio mp3 sermon download Full Preterism. Covenant Eschatology. New Covenant
Fellowship Georgetown. Page House 10:00 am Loving God. Loving Others. Realized
eschatology fulfilled eschatology
Preterist church Austin Texas.
Bible church Austin Texas Second coming of Jesus Christ churches in
Austin area. Churches in Georgetown TX
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