radical relationships part 8

part 8 effective communication

COMMUNICATION: CENTRAL/CORE COMPONENT OF RELATIONSHIPS

We began this series on radical relationships by stating that life revolves around relationships and not only does life revolve around relationships, but relationships revolve around communication. 

Usually the better the communication between people, the better their relationship is.

The bottom line of this morning’s message: effective communication is necessary for radical relationships.

The first point I’d like to make is that MISCOMMUNICATION LEADS TO UNNECESSARY CONFLICT.

I’ll take a moment here to plant a seed: not all conflict is bad.  Conflict is a reality and it is a part of relationships.  It’s how we handle conflict that counts. 

The point I want to drive home here is that miscommunication leads to UNNECESSARY conflict.  Consider how many conflicts, or disagreements, or arguments, or fights you have had that included the words, “oh…I thought you meant…” or “but you said…well that’s not what I meant.”

Clear and effective communication helps to avoid unnecessary conflict.  Let me flesh that out.

Do you realize that there are at least six possible versions of every message?  With every communication between individuals there are at least six possible versions.

1.       What we are thinking, what we intend to communicate what we’re trying to say

2.       What actually comes out of our mouth

3.      What they heard us say

4.      How they interpret what they heard

5.      How they put it into words

6.      What we hear

FOR EXAMPLE: ME COMMUNICATING TO YOU RIGHT NOW-

VERSION #1: I may have intended to say that “not all conflict is bad.”

VERSION #2: I may have accidentally said “not all communication is bad.” (two radically different things; what I meant to say, what was in my mind wasn’t what came out of my mouth)

VERSION #3: I may have said what I intended to say, namely that “not all conflict is bad.” but you may not have heard the not.  You may have had someone else talking to you or shuffling papers next to you and it muffled out the “not” and you heard “all conflict is bad.”

VERSION #4: You may have heard me say “not all conflict is bad” but your interpretation of what I said may be different from what I actually meant.  I may have meant that some conflict isn’t bad, but you may have interpreted me as saying “all conflict is good.”

VERSION #5: Then you may reflect that back to me in conversation later by saying “So it looks like we should try to create conflict.”

VERSION #6: But I hear you say, “We should try to relate to convicts.”

So again, in a dialogue between two people there are at least six possible versions of the message:  what we intend to say, what we actually say, what is heard, how that is interpreted, how that is relayed back, and how that relayed message is heard.

In a simple interaction between two people there is a world of possibilities for miscommunication.  Miscommunication leads to unnecessary conflict.  Thus, for healthy communication, for effective communication, we should seek to communicate clearly.

We can simplify clear communication into the familiar phrase: Say what you mean and mean what you say.  This is easier said than done because we make mistakes.  There is often disagreement between version 1 & 2. Sometimes we mean to say one thing and accidentally say another.  We may mean to say the three synoptic gospels Matt, Mark and Luke, but actually say Matt, Mark, Luke, and John.  We make mistakes and that’s to be expected. 

However, there are times when we mean to say a certain thing, we would like to communicate a certain reality, but instead we choose to communicate something different; rather than communicating exactly what we intend to, we choose to either beat around the bush, so to speak, or we make a subtle allusion to the reality, or we communicate passive aggressively.

I suggest that in order to have radical relationships, characterized by effective communication, we should avoid passive aggressive communications and beating around the bush and strive to communicate more clearly, more accurately, more precisely, more directly.  We are no longer talking about the accidental slips of the tongue; we are speaking strictly about avoiding the temptation to intentionally alter the message and choosing instead to say exactly what we mean.

But that’s easier said than done, also.  It isn’t always comfortable to do that.  Being direct can be scary because we sometimes fear how we will be received.  While we cannot control how the other person will receive our communication, we can do our part to cultivate the kind of radical relationships in which accurate communication will be received more favorably, eliminating those fears.  How do we do that?

This will come as no surprise to you, but don’t let familiarity cause you to tune this out.  Go here with me.

If we have relationships characterized by unconditional love, grace, empowerment, and intimacy, then we have the kind of relationships that allows for open communication in which we can say exactly what we mean.

FOR EXAMPLE: Josh walks away from every sermon confused.  He feels like my messages aren’t making sense.  He has heard other people make the same comments and feels like it would be a good idea to let me know.  Ideally, he should be able to say what he means and mean what he says which would be: David, I’m often confused by your messages.   Here are some examples of what confused me and I wanted to let you know so that you can be aware of that as you prepare future sermons.

If our relationship isn’t characterized by unconditional love, Josh can’t say what he means and mean what he says because he will think I love him less if he tells me or he fears that  I will think he loves me less if he tells me.  In order to say what we mean and mean what we say, unconditional love must be present. 

If grace isn’t present, Josh will come across to me as having a critical spirit.  I will think “Josh criticizes everything I do; he has this standard of perfection that I can never measure up to and here he goes again pointing out my flaws.”  In order to say what we mean and mean what we say, grace must be present.

If empowerment isn’t present, then Josh can’t say what he means because I might interpret this communication as Josh tearing me down.  However, if empowerment characterizes our relationship, then I will listen through the lens of “Josh wants me to be all that I can be, so he is telling me this for my good, so that I will be more successful as a pastor, and be a better communicator of the gospel.”  In order to say what we mean and mean what we say empowerment must be present.

If intimacy isn’t present then clearly the relationship isn’t marked by the vulnerability necessary to be able to say what we mean.  There is a “no trespassing” sign that marks off that territory and it’s not up for discussion.  You can’t talk to me about my messages.  In order to say what we mean and mean what we say, intimacy must be present.

So an important component of effective communication is clarity, the ability to say what we mean and mean what we say.  Otherwise, we are constantly beating around the bush or operating with passive aggression.  We may even withhold information that will help our friends and family to be all that they can be, not only in our relationship with them but in their relationships with others.

THAT DOESN’T MEAN THAT WE NEED TO SAY EVERYTHING

Some things may never need to be mentioned.  Take care not to turn this exhortation into a license to say everything that’s on our minds all of the time.  “Those shoes are ugly.  Those shoes are ugly too.  Your voice is annoying.”  We don’t need to say everything.  This takes wisdom and discernment on our part.

What are some practical ways to tell?

A good litmus test to determine whether we should bring something up is asking ourselves: “Is this just an opinion or is it fact?”  Proverbs 18:2 A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.

It is good and well to say what we mean and mean what we say, but we don’t have to say everything we think and in fact if it’s simply our opinion, it may be better that we keep it to ourselves.  What is that ever popular metaphor for opinions?  We all have them and they all stink.  The best time to share our opinion is when someone asks for it.

Another good litmus test to determine whether we should say something is “will it harm this person or others if I don’t tell them?”

And we should put ourselves in their shoes and say, “I know my friend well.  If I was my friend, if I was in his mind, would he want me to say something and if so, how would he want me to say it? Additionally, if I never mentioned it and somehow he found out that I thought this or felt this way, would he be mad or frustrated at me for not telling him?”

And this whole say what you mean and mean what you say business MUST, MUST, MUST be done through the filter of speaking the truth in love.  Our words must be bathed in love.

Effective communication is necessary for radical relationships and part of that is clarity which, can be simply stated as say what you mean and mean what you say, but we don’t need to say everything on our minds.  We must use discernment.

NON-VERBALS

Effective communication is necessary for radical relationships, but not all of our communication is verbal.

You’ve heard me say this before and it probably won’t be the last.  The words that we say are actually only a very small portion of our communication.  A HUGE portion is our tone, facial expressions, and body language.  One way to have effective communication is to monitor our non-verbals.  We may say the most wonderful things in the world and be extremely articulate, but if our tone, facial expressions and body language contradict those wonderful words, guess what the other person will likely walk away with?  The message communicated by the non-verbals. 

·         A harsh tone trumps gentle words. 

·         A scowling facial expression trumps kind words. 

·         Disapproving body language trumps words of affirmation.

Effective communication is necessary for radical relationships and one way to ensure effective communication is to monitor our non-verbals, harness them and conform them to match our words (granted that our words are on point).

Not only do we communicate with non-verbals like tone, facial expression and body language, today’s fast-paced, high tech society dictates that much of our communication is in the form of: texting and emailing.

We live in a society where many of us tend to text more than talk.  Let’s consider how text messaging impacts our communication.

One consideration is that texting is void of tone, facial expression, and body language, thus it tends to come across cold & distant.

·         Those are good things to keep that in mind so that as we text we can make an effort to compensate for the lack thereof.

·         We can make up for lack of facial expressions by throwing in the smiley face.

·         We can make up for lack of vocal tone by taking an extra ten seconds, put in a little more effort and extra words to ensure that the tone of the text is loving.

It’s probably a good idea to read over our texts before we hit send.

One good reason to read over our texts before hitting send is AUTOCORRECT IS NOT TO BE TRUSTED.  You’ve probably seen some of the examples of autocorrect fails online.  You MAY HAVE sent some of them.  I’ve sent some of them.  I text like I talk.  I don’t know how many times I have typed foreal as one word and autocorrect says, nope, that’s not a word.  You mean foreskin.  Foreskin?  How often do people use that word in a sentence?  Now, while these can make for some good laughs, they are ultimately miscommunications which can lead to unnecessary conflicts.

·         As we read over our texts before we send, it’s a good idea to ask ourselves how will this come across to the recipient?  Is this bathed in love?

·         It’s not a bad idea to anticipate miscommunications: ask how could this be (mis) interpreted?

·         Cody example

·         As recipients always believe the best; text could be interpreted in an ill way, trust the other to mean well.  Getting defensive can and often does lead to unnecessary conflict. Give the benefit of the doubt.  When in doubt call for clarification!

Not only do we text often, but we frequently email.  Don’t misunderstand me here: I’m not condemning text and email.  In fact, at times, an email or a text can ensure precision.  Remember the six possible versions in a dialogue?  Version one is what I intend to communicate and version two is what comes out of my mouth.  My mouth doesn’t have a delete button, but my keyboard does.  So with email, it is easier to ensure that version one (my intended message) matches version two (my actual message). 

Though an email can ensure more accurate, precise communication, due to the delete key that doesn’t mean that email or text is always a superior form of communication because email, like text, lacks the tone, facial expressions and body language verbal communication has and email can seem cold and distant.  Sometimes an email is more appropriate than a face to face conversation.  Some communication would be more appropriate in person than in email.

Effective communication is necessary for radical relationships.  And communication is a two way street.  It involves talking and listening.  We have talked a lot about when it is our turn to talk.  Let’s take a moment to flesh out the other component: LISTENING.

James 1:19 Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.   We tend to do just the opposite. We have so much to say and it’s all so very important. While the other person is talking we tend to be so busy thinking about what we will say next that we don’t listen attentively.

·         We would do well to look at the person when listening (non-verbals).  By looking at other people or doing other things our body language says, I’m not listening.  Eye contact goes a long way in our culture.

·         Another way we can listen well is to choose not interrupt the other person.  Interrupting other people is rude.  It says “I don’t really care what you have to say and my words are more important than yours.”

Another component of listening is seeking to understand before being understood.  If we let the other person talk and we listen to them attentively seeking to understand where they’re coming from before jumping in we might just find that what we were planning on saying would be a moot point.  We may just avoid a miscommunication if we seek to understand them rather than seeking to be understood.

Another important component in effective communication is reflective listening.  Reflective listening is responding with things like, “It sounds like you’re saying…” or “so what you’re saying is…” or “what I hear you saying is…”

·         Sometimes the answer is yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.

·         Sometimes the answer is no, that’s not what I’m saying.

·         Either way, reflective listening ensures that version 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 are the same because it seeks to reconcile your interpretation of what was said with what they intended to say.

·         It allows for clarification.  Clarity is key for effective communication.

GODLY COMMUNICATION

Beyond having effective communication in practical terms, let us, as children of God, strive for godly communication, God-honoring communication.  The Bible says quite a lot about our communication so we aren’t going to exhaust all of the Scriptures on the topic, but let’s take a look at a few things we can apply to our communication.

Prov 10:19  When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.  Think about all of the implications of that.

·         Touches on being quick to listen and slow to speak

·         Touches on say what you mean and mean what you say but not everything needs to be said; he who holds his tongue is wise

Before speaking we should really think: Will this add to the conversation or is this just my attempt to hijack the conversation because I think what I have to say is so important?  Healthy communication is more of a dialogue than a monologue.  It says in this relationship between us, it’s not all about me.  It’s about you too.  A radical relationship is not necessarily selflessness but it is certainly not selfishness.  Let’s not hijack the conversation.  Let’s make our communication a mutual exchange.

Prov 15:1  A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Sometimes the conversation can get a little heated.  If the other person starts flaring up, it’s easy to follow suit and get heated as well.  And when we do that, they get even more heated and the whole thing escalates and the next thing you know people are getting third degree burns.

At that point we are simply thermometers.  Thermometers don’t control the temperature, they simply reflect the temperature.  A thermostat, on the other hand, controls the temperature.  In our conversations, let’s be thermostats, not thermometers.  Let’s control the climate of our conversations.

When we find that the conversation is getting heated, we don’t have to settle for a heated discussion.  We have access to the dial.  We can be a thermostat and control the climate of the conversation.  We can choose to cool things down.  If the other person is getting heated, we don’t have to follow suit.  Returning harsh words for harsh words can be like turning up the dial to make it even more heated or like throwing gasoline on a fire.  It can quickly turn into a yelling match if we let it.

A gentle answer turns away wrath.  When communication gets heated let’s respond with gentle answers, lower volumes, loving tones, kind facial expressions, and non-threatening body language.  Things will cool down.  It’s amazing how much control we have over the climate of our conversations when we realize that we don’t have to settle for being a thermometer; we can be the thermostat.

Keep in mind that proverbs are not promises, so these things will be generally true about our communication, but not always.  God is not promising us that if we give a gentle answer that the other person will always become peaceful, but usually they will.

I mentioned James earlier; he actually has a lot to say about communication, namely the tongue.

James 3 ² We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check. ³ When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. ⁴ Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. ⁵ Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. ⁶ The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. ⁷ All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, ⁸ but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. ⁹ With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. ¹⁰ Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. ¹¹ Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? ¹² My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.

Let’s speak well of people and speak well to them. 

I remember as a child being reminded by my mother and my teachers: if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything.  We would do well to apply this as adults.  Let’s use our tongue for good, not evil. 

Proverbs 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death. (this small part of the body)

Life revolves around relationships, relationships revolve around communication.  Effective communication is essential for radical relationships.  At the core of communication is the tongue, what we say and how we say it.  Let’s use our tongue for good.

Let’s ensure that our communication is effective, clear, considerate, full of grace and truth, that it is God-honoring.  Ultimately, let us speak the truth in love.

www.ncfgeorgetown.com  Church in Georgetown, Texas. Reformed church Georgetown, Texas Preterist church Georgetown Texas. Pastor David Boone. Sermon audio mp3 sermon download Full Preterism. Covenant Eschatology. New Covenant Fellowship Georgetown. Page House 10:00 am Loving God. Loving Others. Realized eschatology fulfilled eschatology  Preterist church Austin Texas.  Bible church Austin Texas Second coming of Jesus Christ churches in Austin area. Churches in Georgetown TX

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