radical relationships part 6

Intimacy: knowing and being known

INTRO

Three weeks ago I set before you four principles which are essential in taking our relationships from hurting to healthy, from stagnant and dying to dynamic and maturing.

Those four elements or principles are unconditional love, grace, empowerment, and intimacy.  To the degree that these elements are present our relationships will be dynamic and maturing.  To the degree that these elements are absent, our relationships will be stagnant and dying. 

We started looking at these principles one by one beginning with unconditional love.  Then, we camped out on grace, last week we looked at empowerment.  This morning will move into intimacy.

DEFINITION

What is intimacy?  When I say that word, intimacy, chances are that different people in the room get a different idea in their minds. 

Intimacy is defined as

1. the state of being intimate.

2. a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.

3. a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc

In relationships intimacy has to do with closeness, familiarity, a deep understanding of another, affection.  Intimacy is knowing and being known, sharing oneself with another.

Intimacy is the ultimate goal in relationships.  Without it, there’s not much of a relationship.  It’s all surface.  It’s limited to the weather, the news, sports.  There’s no real knowing one another.  Nothing wrong with weather and sports, but we can get that kind of interaction from yahoo.  Don’t we want to go deeper in our relationships?  To the heart and mind and soul of another? To know them? Not just facts, but feelings, frustrations, fears and failures.

If intimacy in a word is closeness, then the opposite of intimacy is distance.

That distance is a safeguard.  We don’t like pain.  We like safety.  Intimacy is risky business because the closer we are to someone the worse they can hurt us.  If we just distance ourselves, we don’t run the risk of ridicule or rejection. Though it’s risky, it’s worth the risk.

PRINCIPLES DISCUSSED LAST3 WEEKS PAVE WAY FOR INTIMACY

Unconditional love.  In relationships based on conditional love we think “they might love me less if they know this about me so I can’t share it.  I can’t be intimate because their love is conditional.”  Unconditional love on the other hand opens up the possibility for intimacy.  I know that he or she loves me no matter what, so I can share this and more and they will still love me.  They love me unconditionally so I can be intimate.

Grace.  In relationships that lack grace we know that justice will be demanded so we think, “I can’t share certain parts of me” due to fear of punishment or knowing that we will be met with unforgiveness or rejection.  I can’t be intimate because there will be no forgiveness, no mercy, but a standard of perfection that I can’t meet, so I won’t share.  When I share I’m reminded of my inadequacy.  Grace, on the other hand paves the way for intimacy because it says I will forgive you, I don’t demand perfection, there is the freedom to fail, so we can share the depths of our soul including our failures.  When grace is granted intimacy can be achieved.

Empowerment.  In a relationship characterized by a wielding of power for personal gain, using one’s power to be served, to control, coerce or manipulate others, we think, “I can’t be intimate because anything I share can and will be used against me in the struggle for power.  I share this with them and they got dirt on me, they have the upper hand, this gives them more power and me less.  I can’t share all of me; I can’t be intimate.”  Empowerment on the other hand leads to intimacy.  Empowerment removes the power struggle in relationships.  Empowerment says I am seeking to help you to become all that you can be.   So in a relationship of empowerment, I know that anything I say can and will be used to benefit me.  I can share, I can be intimate.

As I have said in weeks past, these principles of unconditional love, grace and empowerment all work together toward the end goal of intimacy and all four work together to create a healthy cycle, healthy homes, and radical relationships.

Before I go too far down this road, I should probably clarify that:

ALL OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS WILL NOT BE EQUALLY INTIMATE, NOR SHOULD THEY BE

Intimacy levels with individuals will vary based on the nature of the relationship.  We are not going to have the same level of intimacy in every relationship.  The person we sit next to in class will not know all of the deep secrets of our hearts.  The people we go to church with will know us more.  The person in our small group will know us even more.  The people in our accountability group and/or mentor will know us even more.  Our BFF will know more.  Our spouse will know more.  God will know more. 

WHAT DOES THE BIBLE HAVE TO SAY?

SIN HINDERS INTIMACY; SIN CREATES DISTANCE, NOT INTIMACY

Most bible teachers, commentators and scholars will point to the early chapters of Genesis to define marriage, and I believe rightly so.  Jesus did this, Paul did this.  They will also point out that in the beginning when God instituted marriage, there was intimacy.  The man and woman were both naked and felt no shame.  When God brought Eve to Adam he said this is now bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh – covenant language in which Adam communicated that this relationship was intimate; they would be one; they would share life, knowing one another and being known by one another.  God said for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh.  They would be one, intimately.

Then, in the third chapter, we see the fall of humanity.  Adam and Eve break God’s command.  Scholars point out that in the fall, intimacy is adversely affected.  The man and woman who were naked together and felt no shame, then sewed fig leaves together to hide their nakedness because they felt shame.  Then, in fear, they hid from God.  A distance was created.  Marriage was designed for intimacy, closeness, but sin created a distance.  The man and woman who were to operate as one immediately began the blame game.  She made me eat it.  The serpent told me to do it.  Sin affects mankind’s relationship with God and with one another.  Sin creates shame, fear and distance.  This was true for Adam and Eve and it is true for you and I.

BUT IN CHRIST WE CAN BE RESTORED TO RADICAL RELATIONSHIPS AND RECOVER INTIMACY The NT uses the word koinonia to describe the intimate fellowship of believers The NAS New Testament Greek Lexicon defines koinonia as: fellowship, association, community, communion, joint participation, the share which one has in anything, intercourse, intimacy We see this word used in the book of Acts to describe the relationships of the early church. Acts 2:42 They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to the fellowship (koinonia), to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43 Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. 44 All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45 Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. 46 Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, 47 praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

I want to be clear that this is descriptive not prescriptive.  This is an account of the first century church and how they interacted, I don’t believe the book of Acts is the official church handbook, so we can’t point to Acts 2 and say we must do this.  That being said, though this is descriptive, not prescriptive, look at this description.  What a magnificent picture of the church in koinonia.  I don’t get a mental image here of people getting together eating, drinking, listening to teaching, while remaining distant from one another guarded in their relationships due to lack of trust.  The text seems to communicate an intimate fellowship in which they shared their lives together.  This doesn’t seem like the kind of community in which people were afraid to bear their soul, wearing masks, operating in fear.  This seems to be a community characterized by unconditional love, grace, empowerment, and intimacy.  This seems to be a community characterized by radical relationships.  And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.  Who would not want to be a part of a community like that?  Who could not be affected by that kind of community?  I think we can learn from that.

Paul, Silas and Timothy write in 1 Thess 2  1 You know, brothers, that our visit to you was not a failure. ² We had previously suffered and been insulted in Philippi, as you know, but with the help of our God we dared to tell you his gospel in spite of strong opposition. ³ For the appeal we make does not spring from error or impure motives, nor are we trying to trick you. (no power-wielding, \no coercion or manipulation from impure motives) ⁴ On the contrary, we speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts. ⁵ You know we never used flattery, nor did we put on a mask to cover up greed—God is our witness.  ⁶ We were not looking for praise from men, not from you or anyone else.

As apostles of Christ we could have been a burden to you, (could have used our power for selfish gain, lording our position over you) ⁷ but we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children. (atmosphere of empowerment) ⁸ We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us. (atmosphere of empowerment birthed intimacy)

Paul, Silas and Timothy shared their lives with the Thessalonians.  The Scriptures paint a picture of the early church as being a place of intimate fellowship in which they shared their lives with one another.

Again, these texts are descriptive of the first century church, but I believe the NT through and through teaches the universal koinonia of believers, that those who are in Christ should share in intimate fellowship.

Just as a sampling of this:

1 John 1:1-7  1 That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked at and our hands have touched —this we proclaim concerning the Word of life. ² The life appeared; we have seen it and testify to it, and we proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and has appeared to us. ³ We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship (koinonia) with us. And our fellowship (koinonia) is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. ⁴ We write this to make our joy complete.

⁵ This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. ⁶ If we claim to have fellowship (koinonia) with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. ⁷ But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship (koinonia) with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

If we walk in the light as he is in the light, we will have koinonia, we will have intimate fellowship with other believers.  This goes back to our hierarchy of intimacy in relationships.  We may know somebody simply as an acquaintance, but the moment we find out they are a fellow believer in Christ, there is an immediate jump to the next level of intimacy because we can then share with one another a huge part of our hearts.  In fact, we can share with them (not just tell them about, but share with them) that part of our life that isn’t just a part of our life, but the whole of our life. 

In fact, they go from friend to family because we just found out that he or she is our brother or sister who calls out Abba to the same God and father that we do.  They, too, belong to the family of God and healthy families, both biological and spiritual are characterized by intimacy.

Sin hinders intimacy, creating shame, fear, and distance, but in Christ and through his work and his power, we can overcome this hindrance and have radical relationships breaking the barriers formed by sin and we can achieve koinonia, that intimate fellowship that we all long for.

HOW DO WE ACHIEVE INTIMACY IN PRACTICAL WAYS?

IDENTIFY AND REJECT LIES FROM THE CULTURE.

Only going to share one with you this morning.  I was going to go into some stuff on sex, but I couldn’t get all the worms back in the can, so we may just do a messy message or two on that.

The one LIE: expressing one’s feelings is feminine.   Women express feelings.  Men don’t because that’s girlie.  It seems that our culture drills into boys at an early age that they need to be tough and that masculinity is void of feelings and emotions.  We say things like, “Don’t cry.  Big boys don’t cry.  Boys don’t cry.”  I have even found myself using the phrase, “I was crying like a little girl.”  I didn’t mean anything sexist by that, but a friend pointed out that when we say things like that we communicate certain distinctions that aren’t warranted.  So according to the culture, boys aren’t supposed to cry, to be affectionate, to be gentle, or to express feelings and emotions, they’re supposed to be tough, emotionless, void of feelings. 

When we buy into this lie, we immediately make intimacy a problem for men.  And statistically intimacy is a problem for men.  Since we are working toward radical relationships here, since we want magnificent marriages, men must reject the lie that expressing feelings and emotions is for women alone.  Until men can learn to express feelings and emotions, they will experience distance in relationships rather than intimacy.

BUILD RELATIONSHIPS CHARACTERIZED BY TRUST AND VULNERABILITY

In middle school, the guys in the locker room would play a game they called “open chest.” In this “game,” walking through the locker room with an “open chest” leaves one vulnerable and open to blows as people would walk by or wait around the corner to punch an open chest…HARD.  I couldn’t trust my classmates to not punch me in the chest.  Thus, it was necessary to guard one’s chest, can’t leave it open.  Open chest gets pounded. 

If we don’t trust one another, how can we be open with one another?  We can’t and we won’t.  In relationships we can’t be open if we think we will be subject to pounding.  If we think that being open and vulnerable will result in rejection or ridicule, we will maintain this position in our relationships (guarded chest) in order to protect our hearts by keeping our feelings and thoughts to ourselves. Who wants to open up in a setting in which we are met with a critical spirit or condemnation?  That kind of spirit of rejection does not cultivate the trust and vulnerability necessary for intimacy.

An environment of trust is a safe place, which leads to the ability to be vulnerable and we will share with one another our thoughts, concerns, feelings, frustrations, failures, fears, struggles, dreams, hopes.  We will feel the freedom to bear our souls. 

We know that nobody is going to go “OPEN CHEST” and wound us.

OPEN COMMUNICATION

This overlaps the first two ways I have given.  Rejecting the lie of the culture is to allow for open comm.  The purpose of trust and vulnerability is to allow for open comm.  Open expression of emotions, whether it be anger, hurt, love, joy, sadness, or affection, is essentially how those in relationship with one another become more intimately acquainted with one another. 

RECIPROCITY IS REQUIRED

Intimacy needs to be a two-way street.  When one member in a relationship is putting forth effort in being intimate and the other is not, he may become disheartened and eventually stop trying, they may shut down and distance himself.

WALK IN THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF CHRIST, NOT SIN

If sin creates distance in relationships, it follows that we should not walk in it.  Rather, we should strive to live godly lives, characterized by the love of Christ.

WHEN WE DO SIN, CONFESSION, REPENTANCE, & FORGIVENESS SHOULD FOLLOW ASAP.

Sin is going to happen.  It’s a reality.  But, the good news is that we have been forgiven of our sins and we are not slaves to sin.  Sin doesn’t have to continue to hinder intimacy in relationships.  The key here is to immediately move toward reconciliation.  As soon as we recognize that we have done wrong to our brother or sister, we should go to them humbly and confess our sin, repent, and ask for forgiveness. 

If we are on the receiving end, we should be ready to forgive so that bitterness will not take root and hinder intimacy.  The quicker we can reconcile the better.  We can look back at that sin and how we have conquered it by grace and mercy, by loving one another unconditionally, and we can move toward intimacy rather than allowing sin to create distance between us.

I’LL CLOSE WITH SOME SPECIFIC CHALLENGES

Husbands and wives: consider your marriage.  Consider what areas are currently off limits to your spouse?  What areas do you currently not share? 

·         Prayer? 

·         Finances? 

·         Work? 

·         Thoughts? 

·         Fears? 

·         Weaknesses? 

·         Your body? 

Consider the areas in your own marriage that are currently off limits to your spouse and remove the no trespassing sign.  Let them in.  Begin to share those things.  Our spouse should be the one with whom we can share the most. 

Bre shared in some things I enjoy, namely spoken & UT football (this enhanced intimacy). Even in these surface things (music, TV), sharing them, can be intimate because it says, “I am interested in what you are interested in.  I want to know you more and if you are into this, I will get into this with you and we can in that way share more of ourselves with one another.”

SMALL GROUPS  In our small groups, let’s open up.   They should be a place for more than simply Bible study, but the sharing of our lives, sharing our thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc.  And even when it is simply Bible study, it should be a place where we are trusting and vulnerable enough to openly share when we disagree on doctrine.  We should be able to discuss that; it should be a safe place.  If your small group is not a place where you can do that, something needs to change.  We need to work on the atmosphere and reinforce unconditional love, grace, empowerment, trust, vulnerability, etc.

Last specific challenge:

GENTLY GUIDE OTHERS INTO THE DEEP WATERS OF INTIMACY

Let’s pay attention in our relationships: keep our ears open and attuned to people as they make their way toward intimacy.  Some may just be tiptoeing out into the waters of intimacy to test the waters.  For example, rather than sharing directly: “I am absolutely in love with you and I’m so glad I get to spend the rest of my life with you” a husband might say: “well, I guess I knew what I was doing when I picked you.”  He isn’t splashing out into the waters of intimacy, he’s tiptoeing in; he’s testing the water, easing into it.  As someone is testing the waters, we should be careful not to communicate that these waters are too cold and the waves are too ferocious as they will quickly jump back onto the warm safe sand.  If we communicate that these waters are warm and safe, we welcome them into the waters and reciprocate their attempt at intimacy.  They feel safe sharing and are more likely to share more and more directly. 

But we should be patient.  We shouldn’t grab their arm and drag them into water.  Who likes being splashed when they’re testing the waters, much less dragged out into the deep?  After all, there are waves out there and they look dangerous.  We like safety and security and the sand is safer and more secure.  Let’s be sensitive to other’s attempts to open up and give them permission by welcoming their thoughts, affirming them, and reciprocating.

In closing, intimacy is that closeness in relationships that we should strive for.  It is knowing others and being known.  It is the ability to express ones feelings and emotions freely without shame, fear, or condemnation.  Intimacy is built upon relationships of unconditional love, grace and empowerment.  Not all of our relationships will have the same level of intimacy and they shouldn’t.  We will be more intimate with our spouse than one another.  We will be more intimate with one another than a Facebook friend that we haven’t seen since high school.  We were created for intimate relationships but sin entered and through the fall, intimacy has been hindered. However, in Christ we have the power to overcome that hindrance and achieve intimacy. 

Some practical ways to achieve intimacy:

·         reject the lie that men don’t share feelings or emotions

·         create relationships characterized by trust and vulnerability

·         communicate openly

·         reciprocate intimacy

·         walk in the righteousness of Christ rather than sin

·         but when we do sin, confession, repentance, and forgiveness should immediately follow.

We were created to be intimate: to know and to be known.  Let’s decrease the distance and increase intimacy in our relationships for our good and God’s glory.

www.ncfgeorgetown.com  Church in Georgetown, Texas. Reformed church Georgetown, Texas Preterist church Georgetown Texas. Pastor David Boone. Sermon audio mp3 sermon download Full Preterism. Covenant Eschatology. New Covenant Fellowship Georgetown. Page House 10:00 am Loving God. Loving Others. Realized eschatology fulfilled eschatology  Preterist church Austin Texas.  Bible church Austin Texas Second coming of Jesus Christ churches in Austin area. Churches in Georgetown TX

You can watch sermon videos or listen to sermon audio .mp3 at www.ncfgeorgetown.com/media.html

www.ncfgeorgetown.com

radical relationships part 5

part 5 - empowerment

Two weeks ago I set before you four principles which are essential in taking our relationships from hurting to healthy, from stagnant and dying to dynamic and maturing.

Those four elements or principles are unconditional love, grace, empowerment, and intimacy.  To the degree that these elements are present our relationships will be dynamic and maturing.  To the degree that these elements are absent, our relationships will be stagnant and dying. 

We started looking at these principles one by one beginning with unconditional love.  Last week, we camped out on grace and this morning we will move into empowerment. 

In this context, power means the ability to influence others.  We all have some ability to influence those with whom we have relationships. While I will be using very family-oriented language, that doesn’t mean that the principle of empowerment is consigned strictly to the home, but relevant to all of our relationships whether spouse, boyfriend, or friend. 

At some point each of us will likely find ourselves in a position in which we are the most powerful person in the room.  When my kids are playing together upstairs, the most powerful person in the room is Anika, the oldest.  She’s the most powerful person in the room until mommy walks in.  So this principle doesn’t apply strictly to parents and not children, strictly to teachers and not students, strictly to CEO’s and not to everyday workers who punch a clock.  This applies to all of us because at some point, in a relational setting you will be a person with power.

The question is: what will you do with that power?  When we have power, will we use that power to lord our position over others, to coerce, control and manipulate others or will we use our power to empower others by serving them, equipping them, edifying them and encouraging them?

We have entitled this series radical relationships because we are seeking to have relationships that are radically different from the norm of the culture.  By and large relationships in our culture are characterized by people using their power for selfish gain rather than to empower others. 

As we observe relationships in the culture, we tend to see people using their power to control others, to coerce others, to manipulate others, to force others to do certain things or to behave a certain way. 

We tend to see people using their power to decrease the power of others in attempt to maintain their own more powerful position.

People try to one-up the next person.  A child gets a new toy and is extremely excited about it and when he goes to his friend’s house to rejoice he says, “Look, Sam, I got the Han Solo action figure.”  Sam says, “Big whoop, says Sam.  I got Han Solo, Chewbacca and the Millenium Falcon.  I have the upper hand here.  I have the bigger, better, cooler toys and if you want to play, you’ll have to come to my house.”  That sounds childish and immature, but it carries into adulthood.  Adults one-up others, displaying their superiority with their cars, boats, homes, condos on the beach.  The toys simply take on a new form, but the idea is the same.  Ahhh…I have one upped you and I have the upper hand, I have power. 

Relationships in the culture are characterized by people using power to keep others dependent.  We see this in work relationships.  There’s the guy who knows everything at the office.  But when someone needs help he won’t train other people how to do what he does because he just moves them aside and does it, because if he’s the only guy who can do it, he has power over his coworkers, a position of superiority.  He has power and he uses his it to keep others dependent.  They need me.  They wouldn’t fire me. 

We see this in marriage.  A man won’t let his wife have the credit card.  I’ll display my power in this relationship by making her come to me and ask permission.  To counteract his move in this power struggle, she may say I won’t have sex with him.  I will coerce or manipulate him to do what I want him to do and use this act of denial as a means to display my power in this relationship.  I will show that I have the upper hand. 

In our culture, relationships are characterized by antagonizing competition where people strive for power as if power was a commodity that was limited in supply.  If I empower someone else, I may lose some of my own power.  Power is not limited in supply; we shouldn’t fear a loss of power. 

As, we observe the culture, we find that typical relationships are characterized by people using power to control, coerce, or manipulate others.  Typical relationships use power in a very self-centered way.

Radical relationships, on the other hand, are characterized by people using power to empower others.  Empowerment is others oriented, not self-centered.  Empowerment is defined as the attempt to establish power in others, helping others to become all they can be.  

I haven’t seen one lately, but back in the day, there was an ARMY commercial that culminated in this “song or chant” that went “Be…all that you can be…find a future in the ARMY.”  This is empowerment.  The ARMY commercial communicated to viewers that if you join the ARMY, we will empower you; we will help you to become all that you can be.  It didn’t communicate “come join the ARMY so that you can serve us” but rather, “Come join the ARMY and we will serve you, help you, this will benefit you.”  We can learn from this ARMY commercial the valuable principle of empowerment.  That should be our attitude towards others.  “Be all that you can be in this relationship with me.  I will serve you, help you, benefit you.  In this relationship, I will encourage, edify, equip and empower you.”

Empowerment helps others to recognize their potential and to achieve it through encouragement and guidance.  Empowerment never involves force, coercion, control or manipulation, but it is a respectful and reciprocal process that is mutually beneficial.

One example that comes to mind is a story you are all probably familiar with to some degree.  A famous doctor once used his position of power to empower another.  This doctor had amazing credentials, he had a big name, was well respected by his peers.  In fact, this doctor’s name was pretty much a household name by the mid 90’s.  This doctor came from the right demographic, he had the right skin color; he had the right connections in order to be successful in his field of practice.  One day, a young man who was trying to succeed in the same field came to the doctor seeking his help, knowing that if the doctor could serve as his mentor he had the right connections to get this young man’s foot in the door.  The problem was that this young man did not have the right credentials; he didn’t have the right skin color to succeed in his craft.  The doctor could have used his power to maintain his own more powerful position, but he didn’t.  The doctor empowered this young man.  This young man’s name was Marshall Mathers, the protégé of Dr Dre, better known as Eminem.  Dr Dre used his position of power to empower this crazy white boy.

While this serves as a great example of empowerment, we have the ultimate example of empowerment in the Lord Jesus Christ.  Jesus rejected the use of power to control others but used power to serve others, lift up the fallen, forgive the guilty, strengthen the weak, to enable the unable.  He empowered the marginalized. His ministry furthered by the disciples sought to empower the orphans, the widows, and the poor.  He came to empower fishermen, sinners, tax collectors, adulteresses.

Early in His ministry he appointed apostles and gave them authority, he empowered them, by giving them power to heal the sick, drive out demons, perform miracles, raise the dead.  In John 10:10, he says that he came, not like the theif who steals, kills and destroys, but to grant abundant life, to empower people to truly live.  After his resurrection, he came to the disciples and told them that he would send them the Holy spirit through whom they would receive power (Acts 1:8).  Jesus came to empower.

Turn with me in your Bibles to Mark 10:35ff.

³⁵ Then James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came to him. “Teacher,” they said, “we want you to do for us whatever we ask.”

³⁶ “What do you want me to do for you?” he asked.

³⁷ They replied, “Let one of us sit at your right and the other at your left in your glory.”

James and John sought a position of power.  They wanted to sit in that position of authority at the side of Jesus.  They had the mentality of the world.  But look at how Jesus flips this upside down.

³⁸ “You don’t know what you are asking,” Jesus said. “Can you drink the cup I drink or be baptized with the baptism I am baptized with?”

³⁹ “We can,” they answered.

Jesus said to them, “You will drink the cup I drink and be baptized with the baptism I am baptized with, ⁴⁰ but to sit at my right or left is not for me to grant. These places belong to those for whom they have been prepared.”

⁴¹ When the ten heard about this, they became indignant with James and John. ⁴² Jesus called them together and said, “You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. ⁴³ Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, ⁴⁴ and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. ⁴⁵ For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

In the world around you, people lord their positions of power over people and exercise their power with force and coercion in order to control people.  They use their power in order to maintain their own position of power.  They seek to be served.  Not so with you.  You have a position of power as my chosen ones.  Use your position of power not to be served but to serve.  Use your power to encourage, equip, edify, to empower.

Towards the end of Jesus’ ministry, he drives this point home through his actions.  Turn with me to

John 13

¹ It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love.

² The evening meal was being served, and the devil had already prompted Judas Iscariot, son of Simon, to betray Jesus. ³ Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; (he was fully aware of his position of power.  Look at how he uses his power) ⁴ so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. ⁵ After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.

⁶ He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?” (only if you don’t deny me 3x…no: Jesus’ relationship with them was based on UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and grace and in this act, empowerment!!!)

⁷ Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”

⁸ “No,” said Peter, “you shall never wash my feet.”

Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.”

⁹ “Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!”

¹⁰ Jesus answered, “A person who has had a bath needs only to wash his feet; his whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every one of you.” ¹¹ For he knew who was going to betray him, and that was why he said not every one was clean.

¹² When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. ¹³ “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am . (he didn’t deny his position of power, but look how he used it – to empower) ¹⁴ Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. ¹⁵ I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. ¹⁶ I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. ¹⁷ Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

Jesus didn’t say “I am the most powerful person on the planet.  Serve me!  Wash my feet.”  Rather, knowing that he was the most powerful person on the planet, secure in his position of power, he lowered himself, posturing himself in the position of the lowest servant and washed the feet of his disciples.  Then he told them, “You should do as I have done for you.”

He wasn’t telling them to literally wash one another’s feet, but to posture themselves as servants, serving others, not using their positions of power to be served but to serve – to empower others.

He said no servant is greater than his master.  In other words, by washing your feet, I haven’t lost any of my power and haven’t become any less than you.  Therefore, you don’t have to fear that by serving others you will in some way lose power as if power was a commodity limited in supply.  Your position of authority as apostles is fixed.  But use your power to serve others, to empower.

Paul puts it this way in his letter to the Philippians.

Phil 2 ¹ If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ² then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. ³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. ⁴ Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. ⁵ Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

⁶ Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, ⁷ but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant

This encouragement is for us as well.  There is nothing in the text to make this precept bound by time or culture.  Believers then and now, believers in Philippi and Georgetown should have the same attitude as Jesus, who was in very nature God, but used His power to empower.  He made Himself nothing, taking the form of a servant.  So also, we should serve others, empower others.  We should do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than ourselves, looking not only to our interests but to the interests of others, empowering them.

Serving others seems to be the primary means of empowering in the Scriptures as displayed by Jesus.  Another means of empowering others is through edification, encouragement and affirmation.  Our words are powerful. 

Paul puts it this way in his letter to the Ephesians.  Eph 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Our words can either tear others down or build them up.  With our words, we can either communicate you CAN’T, or you CAN.  We can either communicate let me tell you all that you can’t be or let me come alongside you and help you become all that you can be.  You were fearfully and wonderfully made and I value you and who you are.  Our words have the power to empower.

We have looked at some broad precepts here.  Rather than using power to maintain a position of power, controlling others and seeking to be served, we should use our power to empower others, to serve them, to edify, equip, encourage them.  What does that look like in the real world?

A parent may have a four year old that walks through the house singing all the time.  But it’s no Adele.  It’s ear piercing, kind of shreiky.  A parent can use his power in one of two ways.  He can use his power for selfish gain and he can shut it down because it is seen as a nuisance.  Or…he can empower that child.  I know first hand because that child lives in my home.  One day, I told that child, “what a beautiful song.”  I empowered that child.  She beamed with delight.  She ran up with the biggest smile and gave me the biggest hug and she said, “Daddy, I love you.”  I said that which allowed her to be all that she can be. 

The child that grows up in the home characterized by the wielding of power for selfish gain is not likely to become the next American Idol.  It’s possible, but not necessarily probable.  It is more probable, I would say, that a child who grows up in the home of empowerment to be the next American Idol; she will at least be all that she can be.  Chances are that if mom and dad wielded their power for selfish gain to shut the kid up, she will continue to shut up and she will eventually shut down, losing self confidence.  She will never blossom into the flower that she could be.  She will likely feel like she can’t share that part of her soul, she will feel a distance from mom and dad rather than intimacy.  Chances are, one day mom and dad will ask “How was school?” and her answer will be “good” and she will look out the window and offer no more.

That’s one example of how this stuff might look in real life relationships.  Another example is at work when we have knowledge that can benefit others, we can equip them with that by sharing it so that they can be all that they can be, rather than keeping it to ourselves so that we can maintain a position of power, being seen as superior.

Another example is in doing a dirty job.  Jesus exemplified empowerment through serving by doing a dirty job, one that was relegated to the household servant.  A man may find himself in a position much like Jesus.  As the most powerful person in the room, he can posture himself as a servant and do a dirty job.  While men today don’t typically need to wash feet caked with dirt from walking upon a dusty road, a man may have an opportunity to change a dirty diaper.  His mentality might be “If I serve my spouse in this way, I will lose power.  Right now I have the power, I have hand.  I can simply hand off this task because I’m a man and I don’t change diapers.  If I give into this by serving, I lose power.”  But when he realizes that power is not limited in supply and he seeks to serve others, he will be blessed in the very act.  Remember Jesus’ words: now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

Another way to empower others is in our relationships is through compliments.  A spouse or friend can withhold compliments in attempt to maintain power.  If I don’t compliment them, they will work harder for me.  This is a wielding of power for selfish gain.  On the other hand, one can compliment, edify, encourage and affirm another, which empowers them to be all that they can be.  Simple compliments, words of affirmation, encouragement and edification, go a long way.  Noticing those little things, those day to day tasks and thanking one’s spouse for doing them and complimenting a job well done is so empowering.

Finally, consider what would happen in a relationship if we are willing to say, “I was wrong, you were right.”  Talk about empowerment.  In a relationship where individuals fear the loss of power and seek to maintain a sense of power, an individual would never dream of admitting he or she was wrong.  I lose power if I admit that.  But when one recognizes that power is not a limited commodity and that in a healthy dynamic mature relationship we should use our power, our ability to influence others, in a way that empowers others, we will willingly admit I was wrong, you were right.  

In radical relationships, we don’t fear a loss of power.  We can grant power to our spouse, we can empower him or her.  We can live in a way with our spouse that allows her to be all that she can be and that means that she can be right.  And this leads to intimacy.  In a relationship where disagreements are always battles or arguments that someone is seeking to win, individuals shut down and they can’t share all of them, all of their thoughts and ideas, feelings and concerns.  Because if they disagree at some point, it’s another battle resulting in another loss and who wants to lose?  A loss will result in a loss of power. 

But if there is no struggle for power and the relationship is characterized by empowerment, we can talk about anything; I can share everything with this person, even the points on which we disagree…we can be intimate with one another.  And intimacy is the ultimate goal.  It is that exclamation point that punctuates radical relationships.

In closing, in our relationships, we will have some form of power, some ability to influence others.  Rather than using our power to be served, let’s serve.  Rather than using our power to control others, to coerce or manipulate others, rather than using our power for our own selfish gain and in a way to maintain our more powerful position, let’s use our power to instill power in others, to empower others, to help others to be all that they can be.

According to Jesus it’s not about having hand, but lending a hand.

www.ncfgeorgetown.com  Church in Georgetown, Texas. Reformed church Georgetown, Texas Preterist church Georgetown Texas. Pastor David Boone. Sermon audio mp3 sermon download Full Preterism. Covenant Eschatology. New Covenant Fellowship Georgetown. Page House 10:00 am Loving God. Loving Others. Realized eschatology fulfilled eschatology  Preterist church Austin Texas.  Bible church Austin Texas Second coming of Jesus Christ churches in Austin area. Churches in Georgetown TX

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