Intimacy:
knowing and being known
INTRO
Three weeks ago I set before you four principles which
are essential in taking our relationships from hurting to healthy, from
stagnant and dying to dynamic and maturing.
Those four elements or principles are unconditional
love, grace, empowerment, and intimacy.
To the degree that these elements are present our relationships will be
dynamic and maturing. To the degree that
these elements are absent, our relationships will be stagnant and dying.
We started looking at these principles one by one
beginning with unconditional love. Then,
we camped out on grace, last week we looked at empowerment. This morning will move into intimacy.
DEFINITION
What is intimacy?
When I say that word, intimacy, chances are that different people in the
room get a different idea in their minds.
Intimacy is defined as
1. the state of being intimate.
2. a close,
familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another
person or group.
3. a close association
with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of
history, etc
In relationships intimacy has to do with closeness,
familiarity, a deep understanding of another, affection. Intimacy is knowing and being known, sharing
oneself with another.
Intimacy is the ultimate goal in relationships. Without it, there’s not much of a
relationship. It’s all surface. It’s limited to the weather, the news, sports. There’s no real knowing one another. Nothing wrong with weather and sports, but we
can get that kind of interaction from yahoo.
Don’t we want to go deeper in our relationships? To the heart and mind and soul of another? To
know them? Not just facts, but feelings, frustrations, fears and failures.
If intimacy in a word is closeness, then the opposite
of intimacy is distance.
That distance is a safeguard. We don’t like pain. We like safety. Intimacy is risky business because the closer
we are to someone the worse they can hurt us.
If we just distance ourselves, we don’t run the risk of ridicule or
rejection. Though it’s risky, it’s worth the risk.
PRINCIPLES
DISCUSSED LAST3 WEEKS PAVE WAY FOR INTIMACY
Unconditional
love. In
relationships based on conditional love we think “they might love me less if they
know this about me so I can’t share it.
I can’t be intimate because their love is conditional.” Unconditional
love on the other hand opens up the possibility for intimacy. I know that he or she loves me no matter
what, so I can share this and more and they will still love me. They love me unconditionally so I can be
intimate.
Grace. In relationships that lack grace we know that
justice will be demanded so we think, “I can’t share certain parts of me” due to
fear of punishment or knowing that we will be met with unforgiveness or rejection. I can’t be intimate because there will be no
forgiveness, no mercy, but a standard of perfection that I can’t meet, so I
won’t share. When I share I’m reminded
of my inadequacy. Grace, on the other hand paves the way for intimacy
because it says I will forgive you, I don’t demand perfection, there is the
freedom to fail, so we can share the depths of our soul including our
failures. When grace is granted intimacy
can be achieved.
Empowerment. In a relationship characterized by a wielding
of power for personal gain, using one’s power to be served, to control, coerce
or manipulate others, we think, “I can’t be intimate because anything I share can and will
be used against me in the struggle for power.
I share this with them and they got dirt on me, they have the upper
hand, this gives them more power and me less.
I can’t share all of me; I can’t be intimate.” Empowerment on
the other hand leads to intimacy.
Empowerment removes the power struggle in relationships. Empowerment says I am seeking to help you to become
all that you can be. So in a relationship of empowerment, I know
that anything I say can and will be used to benefit me. I can share, I can be intimate.
As I have said in weeks past, these principles of
unconditional love, grace and empowerment all work together toward the end goal
of intimacy and all four work together to create a healthy cycle, healthy
homes, and radical relationships.
Before I go too far down this road, I should probably
clarify that:
ALL
OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS WILL NOT BE EQUALLY INTIMATE, NOR SHOULD THEY BE
Intimacy levels with individuals will vary based on the
nature of the relationship. We are not
going to have the same level of intimacy in every relationship. The person we sit next to in class will not know
all of the deep secrets of our hearts.
The people we go to church with will know us more. The person in our small group will know us
even more. The people in our
accountability group and/or mentor will know us even more. Our BFF will know more. Our spouse will know more. God will know more.
WHAT
DOES THE BIBLE HAVE TO SAY?
SIN HINDERS INTIMACY; SIN CREATES DISTANCE, NOT
INTIMACY
Most bible teachers, commentators and scholars will
point to the early chapters of Genesis to define marriage, and I believe
rightly so. Jesus did this, Paul did
this. They will also point out that in
the beginning when God instituted marriage, there was intimacy. The man and woman were both naked and felt no
shame. When God brought Eve to Adam he
said this is now
bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh – covenant language in which
Adam communicated that this relationship was intimate; they would be one; they
would share life, knowing one another and being known by one another. God said for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be
united to his wife and the two will become one flesh. They would be one, intimately.
Then, in the third chapter, we see the fall of
humanity. Adam and Eve break God’s
command. Scholars point out that in the fall,
intimacy is adversely affected. The man
and woman who were naked together and felt no shame, then sewed fig leaves
together to hide their nakedness because they felt shame. Then, in fear, they hid from God. A distance was created. Marriage was designed for intimacy,
closeness, but sin created a distance.
The man and woman who were to operate as one immediately began the blame
game. She
made me eat it. The serpent told me to
do it. Sin affects mankind’s
relationship with God and with one another.
Sin creates shame, fear and distance.
This was true for Adam and Eve and it is true for you and I.
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BUT IN CHRIST WE CAN BE
RESTORED TO RADICAL RELATIONSHIPS AND RECOVER INTIMACY
The NT uses the word koinonia to
describe the intimate fellowship of believers
The NAS New Testament Greek Lexicon defines
koinonia as: fellowship, association, community, communion, joint participation, the
share which one has in anything, intercourse, intimacy
We see
this word used in the book of Acts to describe the relationships of the early
church.
Acts
2:42 They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and
to the fellowship (koinonia), to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43
Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs
were done by the apostles. 44 All the believers were together and
had everything in common. 45 Selling their possessions and goods,
they gave to anyone as he had need. 46 Every day they continued to
meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in
their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, 47 praising God and enjoying the
favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily
those who were being saved.
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I want to be clear that this is descriptive not
prescriptive. This is an account of the
first century church and how they interacted, I don’t believe the book of Acts
is the official church handbook, so we can’t point to Acts 2 and say we must do this. That being said, though this is descriptive,
not prescriptive, look at this description.
What a magnificent picture of the church in koinonia. I don’t get a mental image here of people
getting together eating, drinking, listening to teaching, while remaining
distant from one another guarded in their relationships due to lack of trust. The text seems to communicate an intimate
fellowship in which they shared their lives together. This doesn’t seem like the kind of community
in which people were afraid to bear their soul, wearing masks, operating in
fear. This seems to be a community characterized
by unconditional love, grace, empowerment, and intimacy. This seems to be a community characterized by
radical relationships. And the Lord added
to their number daily those who were being saved. Who would not want to be a part of a
community like that? Who could not be
affected by that kind of community? I
think we can learn from that.
Paul, Silas and Timothy write in 1 Thess 2 1 You know, brothers, that our visit
to you was not a failure. 2 We had previously suffered
and been insulted in Philippi, as you know, but with the help
of our God we dared to tell you his gospel in spite of strong opposition. 3
For the appeal we make does not spring from error or impure motives,
nor are we trying to trick you. (no
power-wielding, \no coercion or manipulation from impure motives) 4 On the contrary, we
speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are
not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts. 5 You
know we never used flattery, nor did we put on a mask to cover up greed—God is
our witness. 6 We were not
looking for praise from men, not from you or anyone else.
As apostles of Christ we could have been a burden to you,
(could
have used our power for selfish gain, lording our position over you) 7 but we were gentle among you, like a mother
caring for her little children. (atmosphere of empowerment) 8 We loved you so much that we were delighted to
share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well,
because you had become so dear to us. (atmosphere of empowerment birthed
intimacy)
Paul,
Silas and Timothy shared their lives with the Thessalonians. The Scriptures paint a picture of the early
church as being a place of intimate fellowship in which they shared their lives
with one another.
Again,
these texts are descriptive of the first century church, but I believe the NT
through and through teaches the universal koinonia of believers, that those who
are in Christ should share in intimate fellowship.
Just
as a sampling of this:
1 John 1:1-7 1 That which was from the
beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have
looked at and our hands have touched —this we proclaim concerning the Word of
life. 2 The life appeared; we have seen it and testify to it, and we
proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and has appeared to
us. 3 We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you
also may have fellowship (koinonia) with us. And our fellowship (koinonia) is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. 4 We
write this to make our joy complete.
5 This is the message we have
heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at
all. 6 If we claim to have fellowship (koinonia) with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the
truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have
fellowship (koinonia) with one
another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.
If we walk in the light as he is in the light, we will
have koinonia, we will have intimate fellowship with other believers. This goes back to our hierarchy of intimacy
in relationships. We may know somebody simply
as an acquaintance, but the moment we find out they are a fellow believer in
Christ, there is an immediate jump to the next level of intimacy because we can
then share with one another a huge part of our hearts. In fact, we can share with them (not just
tell them about, but share with them) that part of our life that isn’t just a
part of our life, but the whole of our life.
In fact, they go from friend to family because we just
found out that he or she is our brother or sister who calls out Abba to
the same God and father that we do.
They, too, belong to the family of God and healthy families, both
biological and spiritual are characterized by intimacy.
Sin hinders intimacy, creating shame, fear, and
distance, but in Christ and through his work and his power, we can overcome
this hindrance and have radical relationships breaking the barriers formed by
sin and we can achieve koinonia, that intimate fellowship that we all long for.
HOW
DO WE ACHIEVE INTIMACY IN PRACTICAL WAYS?
IDENTIFY AND REJECT LIES FROM THE CULTURE.
Only going to share one with you this morning. I was going to go into some stuff on sex, but
I couldn’t get all the worms back in the can, so we may just do a messy message
or two on that.
The
one LIE: expressing one’s feelings is feminine. Women
express feelings. Men don’t because that’s
girlie. It seems that our culture drills
into boys at an early age that they need to be tough and that masculinity is
void of feelings and emotions. We say
things like, “Don’t cry. Big boys don’t cry. Boys don’t cry.” I have even found myself using the phrase, “I was crying
like a little girl.” I didn’t mean
anything sexist by that, but a friend pointed out that when we say things like
that we communicate certain distinctions that aren’t warranted. So according to the culture, boys aren’t
supposed to cry, to be affectionate, to be gentle, or to express feelings and
emotions, they’re supposed to be tough, emotionless, void of feelings.
When we buy into this lie, we immediately make intimacy
a problem for men. And statistically
intimacy is a problem for men. Since we
are working toward radical relationships here, since we want magnificent
marriages, men must reject the lie that expressing feelings and emotions is for
women alone. Until men can learn to
express feelings and emotions, they will experience distance in relationships
rather than intimacy.
BUILD
RELATIONSHIPS CHARACTERIZED BY TRUST AND VULNERABILITY
In middle school, the guys in the locker room would
play a game they called “open chest.” In this “game,” walking through the
locker room with an “open chest” leaves one vulnerable and open to blows as
people would walk by or wait around the corner to punch an open chest…HARD. I couldn’t trust my classmates to not punch
me in the chest. Thus, it was necessary
to guard one’s chest, can’t leave it open.
Open chest gets pounded.
If we don’t trust one another, how can we be open with
one another? We can’t and we won’t. In relationships we can’t be open if we think
we will be subject to pounding. If we
think that being open and vulnerable will result in rejection or ridicule, we
will maintain this position in our relationships (guarded chest) in order to
protect our hearts by keeping our feelings and thoughts to ourselves. Who wants
to open up in a setting in which we are met with a critical spirit or
condemnation? That kind of spirit of
rejection does not cultivate the trust and vulnerability necessary for
intimacy.
An environment of trust is a safe place, which leads to
the ability to be vulnerable and we will share with one another our thoughts,
concerns, feelings, frustrations, failures, fears, struggles, dreams,
hopes. We will feel the freedom to bear
our souls.
We know that nobody is going to go “OPEN CHEST”
and wound us.
OPEN
COMMUNICATION
This overlaps the first two ways I have given. Rejecting the lie of the culture is to allow
for open comm. The purpose of trust and
vulnerability is to allow for open comm.
Open expression of emotions, whether it be anger, hurt, love, joy,
sadness, or affection, is essentially how those in relationship with one
another become more intimately acquainted with one another.
RECIPROCITY
IS REQUIRED
Intimacy needs to be a two-way street. When one member in a relationship is putting
forth effort in being intimate and the other is not, he may become disheartened
and eventually stop trying, they may shut down and distance himself.
WALK
IN THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF CHRIST, NOT SIN
If sin creates distance in relationships, it follows
that we should not walk in it. Rather,
we should strive to live godly lives, characterized by the love of Christ.
WHEN
WE DO SIN, CONFESSION, REPENTANCE, & FORGIVENESS SHOULD FOLLOW ASAP.
Sin is going to happen.
It’s a reality. But, the good
news is that we have been forgiven of our sins and we are not slaves to
sin. Sin doesn’t have to continue to
hinder intimacy in relationships. The
key here is to immediately move toward reconciliation. As soon as we recognize that we have done
wrong to our brother or sister, we should go to them humbly and confess our
sin, repent, and ask for forgiveness.
If we are on the receiving end, we should be ready to
forgive so that bitterness will not take root and hinder intimacy. The quicker we can reconcile the better. We can look back at that sin and how we have
conquered it by grace and mercy, by loving one another unconditionally, and we
can move toward intimacy rather than allowing sin to create distance between
us.
I’LL
CLOSE WITH SOME SPECIFIC CHALLENGES
Husbands and wives: consider your marriage. Consider what areas are currently off limits
to your spouse? What areas do you
currently not share?
·
Prayer?
·
Finances?
·
Work?
·
Thoughts?
·
Fears?
·
Weaknesses?
·
Your body?
Consider the areas in your own marriage that are
currently off limits to your spouse and remove the no trespassing sign. Let them in.
Begin to share those things. Our
spouse should be the one with whom we can share the most.
Bre shared in some things I enjoy, namely spoken &
UT football (this enhanced intimacy). Even in these surface things (music, TV),
sharing them, can be intimate because it says, “I am interested in what you are
interested in. I want to know you more
and if you are into this, I will get into this with you and we can in that way
share more of ourselves with one another.”
SMALL
GROUPS In our small
groups, let’s open up. They should be a place for more than simply
Bible study, but the sharing of our lives, sharing our thoughts, feelings,
emotions, etc. And even when it is
simply Bible study, it should be a place where we are trusting and vulnerable
enough to openly share when we disagree on doctrine. We should be able to discuss that; it should
be a safe place. If your small group is
not a place where you can do that, something needs to change. We need to work on the atmosphere and
reinforce unconditional love, grace, empowerment, trust, vulnerability, etc.
Last specific challenge:
GENTLY
GUIDE OTHERS INTO THE DEEP WATERS OF INTIMACY
Let’s pay attention in our relationships: keep our ears
open and attuned to people as they make their way toward intimacy. Some may just be tiptoeing out into the
waters of intimacy to test the waters. For
example, rather than sharing directly: “I am absolutely in love with you and I’m so glad I
get to spend the rest of my life with you” a husband might say: “well, I guess
I knew what I was doing when I picked you.” He isn’t splashing out into the waters of
intimacy, he’s tiptoeing in; he’s testing the water, easing into it. As someone is testing the waters, we should
be careful not to communicate that these waters are too cold and the waves are too
ferocious as they will quickly jump back onto the warm safe sand. If we communicate that these waters
are warm and safe, we welcome them into the waters and reciprocate their
attempt at intimacy. They feel safe
sharing and are more likely to share more and more directly.
But we should be patient. We shouldn’t grab their arm and drag them
into water. Who likes being splashed
when they’re testing the waters, much less dragged out into the deep? After all, there are waves out there and they
look dangerous. We like safety and
security and the sand is safer and more secure.
Let’s be sensitive to other’s attempts to open up and give them
permission by welcoming their thoughts, affirming them, and reciprocating.
In closing, intimacy is that closeness in relationships
that we should strive for. It is knowing
others and being known. It is the
ability to express ones feelings and emotions freely without shame, fear, or
condemnation. Intimacy is built upon
relationships of unconditional love, grace and empowerment. Not all of our relationships will have the
same level of intimacy and they shouldn’t.
We will be more intimate with our spouse than one another. We will be more intimate with one another
than a Facebook friend that we haven’t seen since high school. We were created for intimate relationships
but sin entered and through the fall, intimacy has been hindered. However, in
Christ we have the power to overcome that hindrance and achieve intimacy.
Some practical ways to achieve intimacy:
·
reject the lie that men don’t share
feelings or emotions
·
create relationships characterized by trust
and vulnerability
·
communicate openly
·
reciprocate intimacy
·
walk in the righteousness of Christ rather
than sin
·
but when we do sin, confession, repentance,
and forgiveness should immediately follow.
We were created to be intimate: to know and to be
known. Let’s decrease the distance and
increase intimacy in our relationships for our good and God’s glory.
www.ncfgeorgetown.com Church in Georgetown, Texas. Reformed church
Georgetown, Texas Preterist church Georgetown Texas. Pastor David Boone. Sermon
audio mp3 sermon download Full Preterism. Covenant Eschatology. New Covenant
Fellowship Georgetown. Page House 10:00 am Loving God. Loving Others. Realized
eschatology fulfilled eschatology
Preterist church Austin Texas.
Bible church Austin Texas Second coming of Jesus Christ churches in
Austin area. Churches in Georgetown TX
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